Hi April, I enjoyed reading your project submission, it was the first of that prompt that I had read. I like how you explored the relationship between plot and setting, and the way you highlighted how “one action leads to another, which leads to another.” That is true for so many stories! After the second paragraph, that exploration seemed to have dissolved and I gathered that you had moved on to a new relationship, but I wasn't quite sure what that was. In your revision, could you try to make each relationship you look at as clear as what you displayed with the plot and setting? Also, I think it might be helpful to your readers if you state the point of each paragraph at the beginning of each of them. That is something that I worked on in my revisions as well. You are off to a great start!
I enjoyed your project submission. I like your idea of looking into how the setting and plot can affect the mood of a story. I think that setting is a huge part of the mood of a story, and it definitely plays a big role in The Outcasts of Poker Flats, because it is the setting, and more specifically, the weather, that really causes the plot to move forward, and eventually bring our characters their demise. I also enjoyed your description of the linear plot, and how one action leads to another through cause and effect, and I also believe that it makes the story much easier to follow in this format.
I think you did a good job of going into depth about the plot and how it was structured in The Outcasts of Poker Flats, as well as how the setting affects the mood, but I would have liked you to go a little more in depth of the setting and how it has a direct impact on the plot. I also like Katrina's idea of being more clear on what you are describing in each paragraph. Overall I think that you have a great project submission here, it is very well written and I like your ideas, I look forward to see where you're going with this project.
You do a great job of summarizing “The Outcasts of Poker Flats”, you seem to have all the major points of the story, so that it is easy to follow. It does seem though, that your piece needs a little more of “you” in it. I’d like to see more of your point of view, if possible. Can you expand more on how the setting has influenced Uncle Billy and the other characters? Would it be possible to explain more into how Oakhurst is the least immoral, in comparison to the others of the group? That would be helpful to then, in turn, explain how the other characters’ personas shift more toward moral beings. I feel like you captured the way plot and setting effect the mood of the story and characters very well. Could Oakhurst be considered the most immoral of the group for not letting everyone know that Uncle Billy stole the mules and horses?
Thanks for the input. I really appreciate the insite. As for my paper i did elaborate more on why i coined Oakhurst the least immoral, i think that was something that was super important and without your comment I wouldn't have noticed that it was a flaw in my argument. I think now that my paper is a bit more cohesive and strong. Thanks a lot!
Hi April, I really enjoyed reading your work about “The Outcasts of Poker Flats”. Even without the prompt heading, your opening paragraph easily states what the theme of your thesis is. Your summarization of the story was easy to follow, and the technical explanation of the structure of the story along with an example was great. It made me really think about the cause and effect of the setting and how it changes the characters. My only suggestion is to include more of your point of view. Was there one specific scene that called out to you that you really saw the characterization change? What were your thoughts on Oakhurst ending his own life? I look forward to reading your final version.
Hi April! Your prompt heading for "The outcasts of Poker Flats" was really good! I can see what your theme and thesis are and it's very clear. I thought the read was clean and you did a good job summarizing. Your format was nicely done as well. All I can say really is to maybe add a little bit of where you stand on the story and maybe why you chose this read. Just to add a little personalization. Great job!
Hello April, your project was the first one that I believe was perfect. Now I'm not the teacher, so my word does not carry that much weight. Your thesis was clearly outlined. I did not have to try to figure out what it was. You then backed up what you wrote about in the body of your work. One thing that I might suggest is that go back through and choose one particular topic out of what you have wrote and expand on that. That is that only advice I can give on this project. It looks perfect to me.
Hello April! I just read your second revision for the first project. You did a great job with your project. I liked how you put the prompt at the top of the project, it made it very easy to understand what you were going to be talking about so we did not have to try and figure out what prompt you were addressing. Your thesis in your introduction paragraph is very clear. I also liked your conclusion at the end, it was short but it was to the point. You didn't mention anything new and briefly summarized your project. I cannot think of anything that you need to change or add to your project. Excellent job! -Patrick
Firstly, I really enjoyed reading your paper. I think you picked the perfect story to go with your prompt. This story kind of has all its elements perfectly sewn together which makes it easy to follow and write about. I like how you even went as far to break down the linear structure of the story. "Generally, this includes an exposition, rising action, climax, falling action, then finally, a resolution" Very well organized and clearly stated paper. You're a great writer, good job!
Hi April, thanks for sharing your Project 2 submission! I agree with you that stories written by a specific group of people during an event or time period should be included in history books! Not to replace what is written in the history book (since the stories are fiction and history is factual), but to enhance the reader's understanding of the people. You mention in your project how the poems are able to convey the traditions and culture of the Chinese immigrants, and how "We also see that the Chinese weren’t as bad as Americans at the time pinned them to be." This was helpful in supporting how the Chinese immigrants came to America in search of a better life, but could you elaborate on why Americans disliked the Chinese immigrants? I think that could be helpful in getting your point across. All in all I think you are on the right track, and I look forward to your revision!
Hi April, You provided a well stated thesis and were clear on what we can expect to find throughout your project. I like how you referenced that you would incorporate other examples of history in fiction work; however, I would have enjoyed reading more of a description of how Atherton and Harte reflected what it was like living during this time. Was there something that really stuck with you in those stories that you can share with us? I agree that there should be some references and/or excerpts in textbooks from actual people who experienced the hardships during this occurrence. Why do you think we don’t see it now? Is there any supporting evidence in your references that speak to why we don’t see it in textbooks? On last thing that stuck out to me was how you reference the personal writings as proof and should be added to textbooks. Would we be able to reference them as proof, if they were someone’s feelings? I think your project is great and can’t wait to read the revisions. Keep up the good work!
Great job on your second project submission April! I thought you did an excellent job proving your thesis that the poems should be included in history books. I would suggest adding a piece in your paper on how the American culture felt about the Chinese immigrants as they were coming into the states. I think it is important and will really make your case even stronger. -Patrick
April! Right off the bat I was hooked. I love your intro paragraph and your thesis statement. Amazing job. I wondered about this statement that you made: "Immigration after the gold rush was normal, however Chinese immigrants were looked at as more of a nuisance than that of other races." How did you come to that conclusion? Latinos, Native Americans, and Black people were also discriminated against as well during that period of time...but the fact that the Chinese were the only ones that I can remember being imprisoned like they were is a good indication, except for the fact that Native Americans bore a huge brunt of hate and unfortunately were wiped out. Maybe tweak the words a bit? I enjoyed that you included the history like the Chinese Exclusion Act, and the fact that you added in the little details about the writing in the wall at Angel Island. I would have loved to hear more about the wall, but totally understand that we are limited with how much material we can cover. Overall, really awesome job! A good read!
Hi April! I really enjoyed your project! I especially liked the topic you chose because to be honest, I didn’t even know that was on the list, haha! The way you word your essay is so awesome and proper. The way you mention textbooks being used as tools is also impressive because you are totally right, they are tools. One thing I have to mention just I am kind of picky about this and if the teacher is okay with it, thats fine. When writing any kind of essay and/or project, I always think its best to not include “I” or “we”, simply because then your pretty using your own opinion. No big deal! Some professors are cool with it, some are not! Overall, your project was awesome, if I can make just one more suggestion, I would recommend you splitting your last paragraph and making it into two paragraphs because there is just so much information that it was hard to find your thesis. No biggie! Good Job! Yay! -Dana
It’s very clear that you put a lot of thought into your project; it’s very thorough. You did a great job of covering the history of Chinese immigration. I really like that you pointed out why Americans were less than pleased with the Chinese immigration, since they would make their money and leave instead of reinvesting within the Californian economy. I also found it quite interesting that the Great Fire of 1906 created a way for Chinese immigrants to come back to California. You made it very clear why these poems should be considered artifacts of history and did the research to back up your claim. I learned a lot from your project, you put a good amount of history in a relatively short piece. Really good job here, unfortunately though, I don’t have any super helpful feedback. Sorry about that, you have a beautiful piece that is very interesting.
Hi April! Last week when I read your initial project submission, I noted to you that it would be helpful if you elaborated on why the Chinese immigrants were disliked by Americans. You did a really good job of adding that into your project this week by explaining that Americans felt like the Chinese immigrants were taking jobs and important economic opportunities away from them. Something that I noticed this week is that you mention Paper Families. You describe them as falsified families, but a further definition or explanation of the term may be helpful. For your editing this week, I think you should just focus on grammatical errors. In the first paragraph, there is a sentence where you use the word "when" twice, "we are able to tell when these tools were used, what and when they were used," and your in-text citations are at the beginning of your sentences when they should be at the end. Other than that, I think the content of your project is great!
This is my first time reading your second project submission, and you did a very good job! I learned a lot from your project, and that is one thing I love about reading these submissions, is that I can learn some new things.
You did a very good job of explaining why these Chinese immigrants were basically being imprisoned on Angel Island. I can see why people were afraid of a lot of immigrants coming in and taking jobs, and then sending the money back to their own country. I really like how you objectively explain both sides when it comes to immigrants vs. citizens. I did not know that the earthquakes and fires served as a good opportunity for immigrants to come back in to California illegally, I found that very interesting.
I completely agree that these poems can be considered artifacts of history, as they paint a very clear picture of what life was like for those immigrants trying to get into the country and be with their families. Like Katrina said, you have a few grammatical errors to fix, but other than that you have a very strong project submission here, and I enjoyed reading it a lot, thanks for your work!
I looked at your first revision. Your project is really strong! I liked your intro paragraph, it really draws the reader in and feels strong. The historical background and relating it to other readings was excellent too. Your opinions on the four poems shine through and are really clear, so I felt that it strengthens the project immensely. The only idea I can think of fixing is checking out some lower order revisions, I recommend reading out loud to find awkward sentences. Great job on the project, I liked it a lot!
Hi April! Your revision is awesome! The first paragraph got me hooked in an instant! It is so well written and vocabulary you use is amazing and usually when people use big vocab words, they do not know how to use them, but you do girl! Woot! I love how you wrap your entire essay around Chinese immigrant families and are also circling back to the poems as your facts. It is as if you are teaching your readers about what Chinese immigrants have dealt with when in “detainment”. Well done! I am super impressed!
Hi April, I just read your second revision to the second project. I noticed many improvements that you made to your project. I love your introduction to your project. You have an awesome hook and your thesis is very clear at the end of the paragraph. I liked how you provided a lot of information regarding the background for the Chinese immigrants and their journey into the US. It really backed up your thesis and helped prove your point. I agree with your closing paragraph as well about the poems showing a different perspective that is not often talked about. Great job on your project April! -Patrick
I just got finished reading your final project submission, and I must say, you are one of the best writers that I have had the opportunity to read in this class! You did a very good job of explaining how both of these works describe setting in different ways that are equally effective in immersing the reader into their world. I have read both of these works, and I agree that they both do an amazing job of making you feel like you are right there on those hills viewing the sunset, or in Spade's office with cigarette smoke and ash everywhere. Great job on your final project, and good luck to you going forward!
Hi April, I just want to firstly say that your project submission was very well written. You are very clear in your writing telling the readers exactly what is going on. The two stories are very different and I thought that made it that much more interesting because even though the stories are very different you made sure to point out that the stories still have the same aspect of imagery, just that they are explained differently. Both stories are great, and I enjoyed reading your submission very much. Great job.
Hi April, I enjoyed reading your project submission, it was the first of that prompt that I had read. I like how you explored the relationship between plot and setting, and the way you highlighted how “one action leads to another, which leads to another.” That is true for so many stories! After the second paragraph, that exploration seemed to have dissolved and I gathered that you had moved on to a new relationship, but I wasn't quite sure what that was. In your revision, could you try to make each relationship you look at as clear as what you displayed with the plot and setting? Also, I think it might be helpful to your readers if you state the point of each paragraph at the beginning of each of them. That is something that I worked on in my revisions as well. You are off to a great start!
ReplyDeleteHi April,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your project submission. I like your idea of looking into how the setting and plot can affect the mood of a story. I think that setting is a huge part of the mood of a story, and it definitely plays a big role in The Outcasts of Poker Flats, because it is the setting, and more specifically, the weather, that really causes the plot to move forward, and eventually bring our characters their demise. I also enjoyed your description of the linear plot, and how one action leads to another through cause and effect, and I also believe that it makes the story much easier to follow in this format.
I think you did a good job of going into depth about the plot and how it was structured in The Outcasts of Poker Flats, as well as how the setting affects the mood, but I would have liked you to go a little more in depth of the setting and how it has a direct impact on the plot. I also like Katrina's idea of being more clear on what you are describing in each paragraph. Overall I think that you have a great project submission here, it is very well written and I like your ideas, I look forward to see where you're going with this project.
Hi April,
ReplyDeleteYou do a great job of summarizing “The Outcasts of Poker Flats”, you seem to have all the major points of the story, so that it is easy to follow. It does seem though, that your piece needs a little more of “you” in it. I’d like to see more of your point of view, if possible. Can you expand more on how the setting has influenced Uncle Billy and the other characters? Would it be possible to explain more into how Oakhurst is the least immoral, in comparison to the others of the group? That would be helpful to then, in turn, explain how the other characters’ personas shift more toward moral beings. I feel like you captured the way plot and setting effect the mood of the story and characters very well. Could Oakhurst be considered the most immoral of the group for not letting everyone know that Uncle Billy stole the mules and horses?
Thanks for reading,
Corine
Thanks for the input. I really appreciate the insite. As for my paper i did elaborate more on why i coined Oakhurst the least immoral, i think that was something that was super important and without your comment I wouldn't have noticed that it was a flaw in my argument. I think now that my paper is a bit more cohesive and strong. Thanks a lot!
DeleteHi April,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your work about “The Outcasts of Poker Flats”. Even without the prompt heading, your opening paragraph easily states what the theme of your thesis is. Your summarization of the story was easy to follow, and the technical explanation of the structure of the story along with an example was great. It made me really think about the cause and effect of the setting and how it changes the characters. My only suggestion is to include more of your point of view. Was there one specific scene that called out to you that you really saw the characterization change? What were your thoughts on Oakhurst ending his own life? I look forward to reading your final version.
Hi April!
ReplyDeleteYour prompt heading for "The outcasts of Poker Flats" was really good! I can see what your theme and thesis are and it's very clear. I thought the read was clean and you did a good job summarizing. Your format was nicely done as well. All I can say really is to maybe add a little bit of where you stand on the story and maybe why you chose this read. Just to add a little personalization. Great job!
Hello April, your project was the first one that I believe was perfect. Now I'm not the teacher, so my word does not carry that much weight. Your thesis was clearly outlined. I did not have to try to figure out what it was. You then backed up what you wrote about in the body of your work. One thing that I might suggest is that go back through and choose one particular topic out of what you have wrote and expand on that. That is that only advice I can give on this project. It looks perfect to me.
ReplyDeleteThank you! I did take your advice. I decided to expand more on John Oakhursts change in the story. I appreciate the feedback!
DeleteHello April!
ReplyDeleteI just read your second revision for the first project. You did a great job with your project. I liked how you put the prompt at the top of the project, it made it very easy to understand what you were going to be talking about so we did not have to try and figure out what prompt you were addressing. Your thesis in your introduction paragraph is very clear. I also liked your conclusion at the end, it was short but it was to the point. You didn't mention anything new and briefly summarized your project. I cannot think of anything that you need to change or add to your project. Excellent job!
-Patrick
I really appreciate that thank you!
DeleteHi April,
ReplyDeleteFirstly, I really enjoyed reading your paper. I think you picked the perfect story to go with your prompt. This story kind of has all its elements perfectly sewn together which makes it easy to follow and write about. I like how you even went as far to break down the linear structure of the story. "Generally, this includes an exposition, rising action, climax, falling action, then finally, a resolution" Very well organized and clearly stated paper. You're a great writer, good job!
-vanessa
Hi April, thanks for sharing your Project 2 submission! I agree with you that stories written by a specific group of people during an event or time period should be included in history books! Not to replace what is written in the history book (since the stories are fiction and history is factual), but to enhance the reader's understanding of the people. You mention in your project how the poems are able to convey the traditions and culture of the Chinese immigrants, and how "We also see that the Chinese weren’t as bad as Americans at the time pinned them to be." This was helpful in supporting how the Chinese immigrants came to America in search of a better life, but could you elaborate on why Americans disliked the Chinese immigrants? I think that could be helpful in getting your point across. All in all I think you are on the right track, and I look forward to your revision!
ReplyDeleteHi April,
ReplyDeleteYou provided a well stated thesis and were clear on what we can expect to find throughout your project. I like how you referenced that you would incorporate other examples of history in fiction work; however, I would have enjoyed reading more of a description of how Atherton and Harte reflected what it was like living during this time. Was there something that really stuck with you in those stories that you can share with us? I agree that there should be some references and/or excerpts in textbooks from actual people who experienced the hardships during this occurrence. Why do you think we don’t see it now? Is there any supporting evidence in your references that speak to why we don’t see it in textbooks? On last thing that stuck out to me was how you reference the personal writings as proof and should be added to textbooks. Would we be able to reference them as proof, if they were someone’s feelings?
I think your project is great and can’t wait to read the revisions. Keep up the good work!
Great job on your second project submission April!
ReplyDeleteI thought you did an excellent job proving your thesis that the poems should be included in history books. I would suggest adding a piece in your paper on how the American culture felt about the Chinese immigrants as they were coming into the states. I think it is important and will really make your case even stronger.
-Patrick
April! Right off the bat I was hooked. I love your intro paragraph and your thesis statement. Amazing job. I wondered about this statement that you made: "Immigration after the gold rush was normal, however Chinese immigrants were looked at as more of a nuisance than that of other races." How did you come to that conclusion? Latinos, Native Americans, and Black people were also discriminated against as well during that period of time...but the fact that the Chinese were the only ones that I can remember being imprisoned like they were is a good indication, except for the fact that Native Americans bore a huge brunt of hate and unfortunately were wiped out. Maybe tweak the words a bit? I enjoyed that you included the history like the Chinese Exclusion Act, and the fact that you added in the little details about the writing in the wall at Angel Island. I would have loved to hear more about the wall, but totally understand that we are limited with how much material we can cover. Overall, really awesome job! A good read!
ReplyDeleteHi April!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your project! I especially liked the topic you chose because to be honest, I didn’t even know that was on the list, haha! The way you word your essay is so awesome and proper. The way you mention textbooks being used as tools is also impressive because you are totally right, they are tools.
One thing I have to mention just I am kind of picky about this and if the teacher is okay with it, thats fine. When writing any kind of essay and/or project, I always think its best to not include “I” or “we”, simply because then your pretty using your own opinion. No big deal! Some professors are cool with it, some are not!
Overall, your project was awesome, if I can make just one more suggestion, I would recommend you splitting your last paragraph and making it into two paragraphs because there is just so much information that it was hard to find your thesis. No biggie! Good Job! Yay!
-Dana
ReplyDeleteHi April,
It’s very clear that you put a lot of thought into your project; it’s very thorough. You did a great job of covering the history of Chinese immigration. I really like that you pointed out why Americans were less than pleased with the Chinese immigration, since they would make their money and leave instead of reinvesting within the Californian economy. I also found it quite interesting that the Great Fire of 1906 created a way for Chinese immigrants to come back to California. You made it very clear why these poems should be considered artifacts of history and did the research to back up your claim. I learned a lot from your project, you put a good amount of history in a relatively short piece. Really good job here, unfortunately though, I don’t have any super helpful feedback. Sorry about that, you have a beautiful piece that is very interesting.
Best,
Corine
Hi April! Last week when I read your initial project submission, I noted to you that it would be helpful if you elaborated on why the Chinese immigrants were disliked by Americans. You did a really good job of adding that into your project this week by explaining that Americans felt like the Chinese immigrants were taking jobs and important economic opportunities away from them. Something that I noticed this week is that you mention Paper Families. You describe them as falsified families, but a further definition or explanation of the term may be helpful. For your editing this week, I think you should just focus on grammatical errors. In the first paragraph, there is a sentence where you use the word "when" twice, "we are able to tell when these tools were used, what and when they were used," and your in-text citations are at the beginning of your sentences when they should be at the end. Other than that, I think the content of your project is great!
ReplyDeleteHi April,
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time reading your second project submission, and you did a very good job! I learned a lot from your project, and that is one thing I love about reading these submissions, is that I can learn some new things.
You did a very good job of explaining why these Chinese immigrants were basically being imprisoned on Angel Island. I can see why people were afraid of a lot of immigrants coming in and taking jobs, and then sending the money back to their own country. I really like how you objectively explain both sides when it comes to immigrants vs. citizens. I did not know that the earthquakes and fires served as a good opportunity for immigrants to come back in to California illegally, I found that very interesting.
I completely agree that these poems can be considered artifacts of history, as they paint a very clear picture of what life was like for those immigrants trying to get into the country and be with their families. Like Katrina said, you have a few grammatical errors to fix, but other than that you have a very strong project submission here, and I enjoyed reading it a lot, thanks for your work!
Hi April,
ReplyDeleteI looked at your first revision.
Your project is really strong! I liked your intro paragraph, it really draws the reader in and feels strong. The historical background and relating it to other readings was excellent too.
Your opinions on the four poems shine through and are really clear, so I felt that it strengthens the project immensely. The only idea I can think of fixing is checking out some lower order revisions, I recommend reading out loud to find awkward sentences.
Great job on the project, I liked it a lot!
Hi April! Your revision is awesome! The first paragraph got me hooked in an instant! It is so well written and vocabulary you use is amazing and usually when people use big vocab words, they do not know how to use them, but you do girl! Woot!
ReplyDeleteI love how you wrap your entire essay around Chinese immigrant families and are also circling back to the poems as your facts. It is as if you are teaching your readers about what Chinese immigrants have dealt with when in “detainment”.
Well done! I am super impressed!
Hi April,
ReplyDeleteI just read your second revision to the second project. I noticed many improvements that you made to your project. I love your introduction to your project. You have an awesome hook and your thesis is very clear at the end of the paragraph. I liked how you provided a lot of information regarding the background for the Chinese immigrants and their journey into the US. It really backed up your thesis and helped prove your point. I agree with your closing paragraph as well about the poems showing a different perspective that is not often talked about. Great job on your project April!
-Patrick
Hey April,
ReplyDeleteI just got finished reading your final project submission, and I must say, you are one of the best writers that I have had the opportunity to read in this class! You did a very good job of explaining how both of these works describe setting in different ways that are equally effective in immersing the reader into their world. I have read both of these works, and I agree that they both do an amazing job of making you feel like you are right there on those hills viewing the sunset, or in Spade's office with cigarette smoke and ash everywhere. Great job on your final project, and good luck to you going forward!
Hi April,
ReplyDeleteI just want to firstly say that your project submission was very well written. You are very clear in your writing telling the readers exactly what is going on. The two stories are very different and I thought that made it that much more interesting because even though the stories are very different you made sure to point out that the stories still have the same aspect of imagery, just that they are explained differently. Both stories are great, and I enjoyed reading your submission very much. Great job.